So it’s Day XX (totally lost count, it’s just a whole bunch of fckn days, now) of climbing up walls and stay-at-home killer moodiness, thanks to the coronavirus; true, we have online games and stuff, but it seems other people need their sunlight and have begun to go off their rockers. So, while some guys turn to jitters and mayhem, others turn to online games, and still others turn to a cool weapon this side of the Styx River: HUMOR. Well, namely, its bad-boy peer dark humor. And Boy! DO we love dark humor or What!?

Always SUPER serious news site The Onion just released a list of the Best Video Games to play during the quarantine, a weird list full of hilarious comments about each of them, under the section ONION GAMERS NETWORK or OGN (they do go all the way; yes, they do.) Esports Betting, for gamers by gamers.

The list is made up of stuff you think up when you have ‘nuttin-to-do’, including retro games you might have never seen or heard of or played. Check it out:

The Witcher 3:

First on The Onion’s list for OGNs, it pokes fun at the length: “With quarantine expected to last weeks, if not months, now’s the perfect time to get about halfway through this sprawling epic.” It ain’t holding back any.


Because it’s like the Hunger Games, only in retro mode for old people: “It’s worth playing this arcade classic to keep its tradition alive with modern gamers, because everyone who played it when it first came out in 1979 is almost certainly going to die.” Made my spine tingle.


If Fortnite had to make its way into this list, it had to be murder-wise: “Take out your isolation-induced frustration the healthy way by murdering the avatars of middle-school children.” Fun stuff.

The Oregon Trail:

This is where crap gets real; whether it’s the 1979 version or its latest 2011 release, the Onion dishes it all out: “Watching your digital family succumb to dysentery, tuberculosis, and cholera is the perfect way to keep your mind off the devastation of the real-life coronavirus.” Such glam and savvy.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons:

And, if you miss driving and hitting moving targets, I mean things that cross the road ever so suddenly, they highly recommend this one: “Survival horror at its best, and a perfect antidote for these trying and chilling times. Manage your resources correctly, hone your skills, and, after 40-plus hours of gameplay, you might just have what it takes to take down the dreaded Tom Nook.”

The list goes on for a couple more items, including the Xbox One Demo Station at Target, which, since nobody’s using it now, you’re sure to get a swing at it.

Dark times sure spike the dark side in some… especially dark humor.

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